Hopefully the first of many. That basket is completely filled with beans, and there will be more. The bean plants are covered with little beans still! (sadly the purple beans aren’t as prolific)

The corn is about shoulder height, and so are the tomatoes. No little corns yet, but lots of little tomatoes – the one that was ripe is a patio, and both patio plants are plastered with fruit as well (so much that one is top heavy enough to threaten to fall over every time I nudge it. Glad I have it caged!)

The herbs are also doing well, especially the butterfly bed. Zillions of lizards too, and at least one brown earth snake. I’ve not seen as many honeybees as I’d like though

I’ve done a number of things to try to make my daily commutes into something less… well, hated. It’s been hard for me to get used to being a captive audience for two or two and a half hours every day. Fortunately I’m a relatively low stress driver – traffic doesn’t really freak me out, I don’t compulsively change lanes, and road rage just isn’t my thing.

(Though I’m not above making the occasional sarcastic remark…)

While I won’t call “adjusting my commute” a hidden perk, it’s nice to know that my work supports my working 6:30am to 4pm instead of forcing me to try to keep an 8-5. Being creative about my route helped too – while all the traffic map generators are going to tell me to stick to the highway, it’s no further mileage wise and a lot less traffic to take a state highway/smaller road (even hitting all the stoplights). Instead of the volatility of a highly congested, merge-heavy stretch of 5+ lane highway insanity, I’m on a road that’s 2 lanes each way, with very few people driving on it.

Audio books have also been a big winner. I’ve really enjoyed some of the books I picked up (mostly with the last few purchases on my employee discount at the bookstore… *shifty eyes*).

The Harry Potter books, narrated by Jim Dale, are delightful, as are any of the Hercule Poirot books narrated by David Suchet – my favorite of those was the short stories though. I also really enjoyed Stacy Schiff’s biography of Cleopatra. Sarah Vowell’s The Wordy Shipmates is funny and historical, but hasn’t kept my attention as rapt as some of the other books I’ve listened to. (When you go through 10+ CD’s a week, you can get through a lot of audio)

The biggest unseen winner, though, is my Jawbone. I’ve not used a bluetooth headset before, and SSH convinced me that this would be a good purchase. He was unbelievably right. For more reasons than just the sound quality.

One of the things I’ve been missing with my new job is the community I was used to having in my free time. I’m not super keen on spending a lot of time in front of the computer when I get home, and my attention span is pretty short when I’m tired, so I’ve not been much into gaming. In fact, beyond twitter and email on my phone, these few blog posts have been more computing than I’ve done in awhile. Which means… I’m feeling kinda lonely.

Enter the Jawbone. Now, since I’m a captive audience for 60+ minutes every day, I can use those 60+ minutes to do something a lot of people don’t seem to do too very often anymore.

Call and talk to people.

It’s been awhile since I’ve gotten to hang out on the phone for an hour with my best friends, but it goes a long way toward alleviating the lonelies. Really catching up with people is pretty nice too. And I don’t feel like it’s “taking away” what little free time I have, since I’d be sitting in the car anyway.

I suppose, over all, none of this is particularly groundbreaking, but I want to start this whole venture into the commuting world on the right foot, so to speak (the right tire?). It’s tiring enough to do the drive, without having all the other emotional baggage on top of it. I know eventually it’ll be routine, just part of my day, but I want that to be something I can use, and not something I just have to tolerate. I doubt it will ever be “ideal”, but at least it can be bearable, right?

A gluten free cookie.

Because its a cookie kind of day.

For one thing, the schedule is radically different from working at the bookstore – not so much the hours (though I am working 9+ hour days), but the hours plus the commute. 30 miles each way translates to quite a long time in traffic, even if I shift my hours very early. Right now I leave at 5:45 and get to work at 6:30.

Trial and error shows that every 15 minutes later I leave, adds half an hour to my arrival time. So if I leave at 6, I get to work at 7, 6:15 is 7:30. I’ve not left any later than 6:15, because to get to work by 9, I’d leave at 7, and that’s just ridiculous.

On the way home, it has taken me anywhere from 1 hour to 2 hours and 15 minutes. Instead of commuting home on the major highway (I45, for the people who know the Houston area), I take a side road that used to be a highway. A side road with a max speed of 50mph, some areas as low as 35 mph, and lots of stop lights. Oddly, taking that route, I’ll get home in an hour every day.

The morning commute isn’t so bad. I listen to the news or to an audio book (Right now I’m making my way through Sarah Vowell’s The Wordy Shipmates), and it’s just become part of the morning. It’s the commute home at the end of the day that gets to me. Working 9 or so hours leaves me pretty mentally worn out, so having to focus enough to safely drive home is exhausting.

I’m usually home by 5:30, which is pretty good, especially now that it’s closer to summer and there’s lots of daylight left. With a 5am wakeup though, and as much sleep as I need to keep my joint pain under control, I’m getting ready for bed around 8:30pm, so my evenings are pretty short. My goal is to be in the bed, ready to sleep by 9:30.

Not a lot of time in the evenings, especially when you add in cooking dinner! So that’s been another big adjustment – my free time just became a LOT more precious. Everything I do in the evenings has a timer that’s constantly ticking down to 8:30 and getting in the shower.

I’ve essentially stopped gaming at this point. After spending all day staring at a computer, when I get home, I don’t really want to look at a computer for that long. I’ll still play a bit on the weekends, or do a few odds and ends, but I’m definitely not going to be raiding anymore. (I’m actually feeling pretty lonely without the gaming community that I was used to.)

It’s been a challenge from a mental health standpoint as well, since I’ve had to create all new routines, and I’m having to fight to carve out time to take care of that sort of thing.

I don’t really feel like I’ve got this all figured out yet, even after 8 weeks. I suppose that’s not all that unreasonable, given the huge change that this has been for me (and for SSH). It’s certainly been a mental shift, even if it’s a good one from a career growth standpoint.

As for blogging, I haven’t yet figured out how this will fit into things. I want to keep writing, but it suffers from the same problem as gaming (computer time in the evenings), but I would like to keep writing. I’ve honestly struggled with finding anything to write about though, which might seem surprising to anyone who knows how verbose I can be. We’ll see how it goes as I get more used to the new schedule.

It’s been a time of wait and see. And it will, as best I can tell, continue to be that way. So I’ll just wait and see.

I drive in the 6 minute time warp. There are three of those traffic warning signs that I pass every morning.

The first sign I see says 6 minutes to 610.

The second sign I see also says 6 minutes to 610 (due to increasing traffic).

Then, I’ll drive by a sign that says 6 minutes to 59.

Of course, it doesn’t always line up quite so perfectly, but most mornings, I’m in for the increasing parade of 6 minutes. I suppose that’s just proof that commuting really IS of the devil.

Anyway – with today being President’s day, the store was an absolute madhouse starting around the time people decided they didn’t want to be sleeping in any longer. Combined with the usual Monday craziness, it was pretty nuts (which is particularly bad at the buy counter – everyone who has a garage sale or cleans house over the weekend seems to show up on Monday to sell us their books). Everyone takes their turn, though, so I took my round at the buy counter with only a little bit of grumbling about how many buys were lined up.

And then a middle aged, rather raggedy gentleman came in with a box and wanted to know if we made offers on books. I told him we did, and he handed me the box. At this point, mentally, I’m grimacing, because a) the store is a madhouse and I don’t want to have to take a lot of time with one guy and his one book and b) mostly people that come in thinking their books are hot shit really just have books that they love for personal, not collectible, reasons.

But I put all that aside and opened it, carefully unwrapped the bubble wrap and the tissue paper, and came across one of the most exciting things I’ve seen in the entire time I’ve been bookselling (which is admittedly only about 20 months, but still).

He had a first edition (but not first printing) of Hemingway’s A Farewell to Arms. It was not in very good shape, but I was impressed. So I opened it… and that’s when my brain exploded.

Not only was it inscribed to someone with whom he’d spent a boat voyage in Spain (!), he’d taken the time to go through the entire book and write in the appropriate curse words that the editor/publisher had “bleeped” out of the printing. Then at the end of the book, he wrote “This book completed by the author, <date> E. H.”

First off, seeing words like “cocksucker,” “bastard,” and “fucking” hand-written into one of Hemingway’s books by Hemingway himself was a trip. But beyond that, I can just see him on this voyage to Spain, making friends with someone and then offering them a copy of his newest book that he carefully “re-completed”.

After collecting myself, I called in another bookseller, who’s particularly good with old/rare stuff. He also had to collect his brain, because DUDE. Unfortunately the gentleman was not interested in actually selling his book, but rather was looking for an appraisal (which we don’t do, and especially don’t do for free), so the book was carefully re-wrapped and he left with it, with instructions to find an actual antique book dealer to get it legitimately appraised. If I’d had my brain with me, I would have taken pictures, but a little internet memorial will have to suffice.

Since I’ve worked at the store, there have been three truly amazing things that I’ve gotten to see/hold/look at. The first was a book printed in the late 17th century. The second, a copy of one of Dr. Seuss’ college books that he signed “Theo Seuss Geisel”. This Hemingway book is the third.

That it came through the store on my buy shift during my last week here is really quite fortuitous. There are definitely things I’m going to miss about bookselling – and the treasure hunt is one of them. (I won’t miss the madhouse of customers. That stresses me out to no end.)

I really am glad I got to be there for this, though. Makes for a really memorable end to what has been a really good job.

Given any situation, I will come up with two answers, one of which is complete failure (resulting in failure) and one of which is unattainable perfection (resulting in failure). Therefore if I choose either column, I fail, and am therefore subject to more mental berating.

If I attempt to choose another, more moderate option, I am berated for not being good enough to try for the perfect. There is elaborately cooked, time intensive dinner, or there is failure. There is compulsively clean, 100% taken care of house, or there is failure. There is 100% kindness to everyone all the time, or there is failure.

It’s a kind of twisted perfectionism that I’ve spent most of my life perfecting, it seems. (I should mention that even if I come up with something I initially think is good, my brain will pick holes in it until it looks like every other failure, even if I’ve accomplished something. It’s … kind of sick.)

Nowhere is this better illustrated than with exercise.

With exercise, there is either “exercise until exhaustion” and “nothing”. Compound this with my joint disorder, whereby I can’t do things like lift weights (because my joints go squishywibble and won’t work properly, so I can’t even get my muscles engaged) or run (impact is bad, yo) or really most “normal” exercise, and there are two options. Do nothing, or walk until you can’t feel your knees and then go lift weights anyway, even though it makes you feel awful for two days.

There are two kinds of exercise I mostly tolerate (verging on enjoyment) – biking and yoga. I’m not allowed to bike because of the pressure it puts on my wrists (which, plus my hands, are the only joints that hurt on an everyday basis anymore). I just bought a new bike in October. Failure. I’m not supposed to do yoga for the same reasons.

But Anna, yoga has infinite variations and modifications! Why not do one of those?

Because so far I can’t. Well, physically I could. Mentally I must either do the full version of the pose, or I might as well not bother because I’m a failure anyway. This is compounded by my relative ease with kinesthetic adventures like yoga and dance, which I learn quickly. I’m also naturally extremely flexible, so I have never really done modified poses. I am still adjusting to this new way of living in my body. (Also, let’s not even get into being fatter.) Doing a modified version anyway, in a sort of “fuck you, brain” only results in having to listen to myself for the rest of the day.

To be honest, I feel a lot of sympathy with Gollum.

It’s all extremely unkind, and difficult to live with a lot of the time too. There are entire days when I wish my brain would just SHUT UP and GO AWAY. I’ve tried asking it why I only have these two options, but the answer isn’t fit to type.

I fight against this every day, some days with more success than others. Some days the crazy is just too loud, and I don’t really function beyond going through enough of the motions to not get fired. Recently the crazy has been very loud, and so I’m not getting much done. It’s too much work to try to deal with it, to try not to resist, but to … not accept. Just… allow it to exist and do whatever I need to anyway?

My awesome therapist says that “What we resist persists” – the more mental energy I throw at resisting and arguing with the crazy, the more it pushes back. Instead, I’m supposed to say “ok, I appreciate that you feel that way” and do whatever else anyway. (I know it sounds crazy, but somehow this works better than the alternatives.)

It’s very draining, just doing everyday stuff.

I’m trying really hard to “work on it”, but its hard to change something that seems built in, if that makes any sense. Meditation helps, as do naps. Journaling helps when I manage to do it without automatically setting myself up to fail at it. (How you fail at journaling, I’m not sure, but I manage.)

Today I managed 8 hours of work, plus 3 sets of pushups and squats and a set of “hang on the pull up bar and think really hard about it” (I can’t do pull ups). I’ll put something together for dinner – probably out of the freezer (maybe tamales). After dinner I will sit on the floor and attempt to get my brain to slow down for awhile.

And that’s going to have to be enough.

Why beans made me cry in my car today.

Also pleased in the power of humanity, because it’s really good to see people helping each other out, but really sad because it sucks to be in that position, with no money and hungry people to feed, and no idea what to do with this so-called staple, beans.

As such, I’m going to be reading up on what to do with things like lentils (since I don’t really have a clue what to do with them) and posting some of my findings here.

For today, though, I’m going to share a recipe that I love. It’s easy to make, uses staple foods (beans and brown rice), and is absolutely delicious. It’s also really good for a shared dinner/pot luck, because everyone can add their own toppings.

Bean and Brown Rice Burrito Bowls

Software:

• 4 tsp. olive oil
• 1 medium onion, chopped fine
• Optional: 1 red bell pepper, chopped fine
• 3 cloves garlic, minced
• 3 1/4 cups water (or 1 cup broth and 2 1/4 cups water)
• 1 boullion cube (omit if using broth)
• 2 (15 oz) cans black beans – drained and rinsed, or about 3 cups dried beans, cooked (NOT just soaked)
• 1 tsp salt and black pepper to taste
• Optional: ¾ cup corn kernels (canned or frozen and thawed)
• Optional Toppings: Salsa, sour cream, sliced avocado, cooked chicken or ground beef, corn tortillas

Hardware:

• Large oven-proof pot or dutch oven

Preheat the oven to 375° F.  Adjust an oven rack to the middle position.  Heat the oil in a large Dutch oven over medium heat until shimmering.  Add the onion (and bell pepper, if using) to the pan and cook, stirring occasionally, until well browned and tender, about 12-14 minutes.  Stir in the garlic and cook just until fragrant, about 30 seconds.

Add the chicken broth or water and boullion to the pan.  Bring the mixture to a boil.  Remove the pot from the heat, stir in the rice and salt, and cover.  Bake until the rice is tender, 65-70 minutes.

Remove the pot from the oven and uncover.  Fluff the rice with a fork, stir in the beans (and corn, if using) and replace the lid.  Let stand for 5 minutes.  Mix in the black pepper.  Serve in bowls with tortillas and a mixture of toppings. My favorite is salsa and sour cream, but avocado is nice if you can get them cheap. I actually like this recipe better as vegetarian than I do with chicken or beef in it, but it’s certainly OK to add those as a topping too.

Adapted from Annie’s Eats

The last year has been pretty rough for us both.

I can only imagine the kind of things he’s gone through as I’ve been through repeated doctors, medicines that made me crazy or sick, chronic pain, breakdowns, mental instability and a bunch of other really un-fun sorts of things. I also can’t imagine how I’d have gotten through all of that without him. He’s been my rock through all of this, even when it was as confusing for him as it was for me. I’ve been reminded over and over again how lucky I am to have him and get to be with him.

It sounds cheesy, but it’s really true.

When you say “for better or for worse” and “in sickness and in health” you don’t really expect the sickness and the worse.

I know I didn’t. And I really didn’t expect it to be “my fault”. I know there’s no blame involved, but on some level it bothers me that I’m the one that got sick. (I’m working on getting over that.) Part of what makes me so grateful and thankful and happy to be with him is knowing that our relationship survived a really big helping of “worse”. It took a lot of work from both of us, but we made it. I try to make sure he always knows how much I appreciate him and what he does for us.

So here’s to five years.

Our first handful, hopefully of many.

So I pumped a little extra air into my big blue exercise ball this morning and opted to give it a go.

So far I’ve noticed a few things:

• My lower back is having to work on keeping me stabilized, so the muscles are getting tired. This isn’t a huge deal, but will take some adjusting.
• My butt is cold. The ball doesn’t retain heat like a regular chair. I’m going to try draping it with a blanket and seeing if that helps.
• My cat has nowhere to sit. Charlie (spazcat) likes nothing better than to camp out on the back of my chair while I’m on the computer. He’s not sure what’s up.
• My posture is better. I CAN slouch, but it takes conscious effort.

Also? My inner child is pleased.

*boing boing boing*