Overheard at D&D

Our D&D group can best be described as a comedy of errors. In fact, it often reminds me of Ursula V’s D&D stories, though ours are as often as not related to non RP conversations as RP stories. I usually keep a running list of funny/dumb stuff that we say, and type it up during the week (when I remember). Often the hilarity is confined to story topics, and would take a great deal of explaining to “get” the inside jokes, but sometimes…

For the record, S is a (really really clumsy) cleric, A is a (gnome) barbarian, K is a fighter, L is a rogue and DM is… well, the DM.

S: Do the people here trust each other? Like, are they stealing?
DM: No, this isn’t like where Sam’s plow goes missing and Fred has a new plow.
S: I feel bad for the guy whose ass is missing.

S: Picture, you’re in a giant fog bank. Like Boston.
A: And then you’ll hear a horn – Wuuuuuh-ooooooo
DM: And then the Titanic will appear.
K: And some really angry baseball fans.

R: Midway through the day you see plumes of smoke from where the fort should be.
S: While looking at it, I trip.
K: Maybe they have a BBQ? (I’m not very bright)
A: I RUN TOWARDS IT

S; I use my wand to heal the soldier! *waves arms*
A: Only use it once, he’s an NPC, he only has 1 HP.
DM: She used it three times. I counted the gestures.
S: I can give you some more gestures to count…

DM: There’s a sacred hammer in a fort called Thorsdown, let’s think about this…
A: The priest is wandering around going “Hammmer…. hammmmmmeerrrrr!”
DM: Actually the priest is dead.

Random Stranger: I am Ranger Smith, the patroller of these woods.
A: I am Runt. I kill Kobolds.
K: Does the Ranger own a candle factory?

L: Shouldn’t I check for traps?
S: Letting Runt walk through is also a method of checking for traps…
A: A more entertaining way, at that!
DM: Ah yes, send the warrior. Very old strategy.

DM: Runt. You feel a tug on your foot, look up, and see a huge slab of rock that slides over the edge of the wall and plummets downward, landing on your head.
DM: *rolls* For sadly below average damage.

DM: In front of you, there are some big trenches *gestures with arms*
S&L: You mean like pits? Like with spikes?
A (simultaneously): I JUMP IN.

Everyone: That wasn’t bright.
DM: TOO LATE. Runt jumps into a spike filled pit.
A: Wouldn’t I NOTICE it was full of spikes?
DM: Not my fault you’re impatient. If you LEAP before you LOOK… and don’t wait for me to finish explaining about the spikes and the army of kobolds on the other side.
DM: *rolls damage*
A: Don’t I get a reflex save?
DM: No.
A: WHY NOT?!
DM: You /JUMPED/. You did not fall in.
A: oh.

L: Yeah, that trap I would have noticed for you if I’d actually, you know, ROLLED MORE THAN A TWO.
A: I don’t hold you accountable for bad things that happen to me. Except fireballs, and maybe… yeah, more fireballs.

S; I’m going to cast darkness on a sling bullet, and then throw it at the Kobolds.
DM: Ok, that’s two rounds, K, your turn.
K: Damn! It’s really dark! Who put out the lights?!
S: ME!

S: HA! I CRIT IT! Enjoy that 1 pt of damage!
DM: Roll again.
S: HA! Enjoy that 5 points of damage.
DM: And add your STR.
S: … SIX points of damage.
DM: Both times.
S: *gigglefits* SEVEN!!

S: Can I heal A while I wake him up?
DM: Sure, you can smack him while you heal him. *SLAP* wake! *SLAP* the fuck! *SLAP* up!
S: I wake him up for 5 points of healing!
L: So you just beat 5 HP into him about the head and shoulders with a wand of cure light wounds?
S: Pretty much.

A: I KNEW I SHOULD HAVE KILLED HIM
DM: Yes, you should have. This would’ve been a lot quicker that way.
A: Just FYI, he’s not going to get to talk, I’m charging him.
K: BUT WHAT ABOUT HIS MONOLOGUES!

DM: And ranger smith changes shape. *doodles*
S: It’s a flaming poo?
DM: *more doodling*
L: No, it’s a beholder.

DM: He’s not really a beholder. He’s size medium and only has six eyes…
S: He’s a Gauth?
DM: Yeah, did I mention the black clothes and eyeliner under his robe?