Celestial Spheres: The Sunday Funnies 12/6/2015

When last we left our intrepid adventurers, they were in the city of Enkilian, where their (batshit crazy) hostess had been taken captive by a Monologuing Evil Elf of the Night. After dispatching the remaining Elf Goons, the party took one captive, interrogated him, and then …

Sorceress: No, I don’t have knowledge local Surast
Wizard: DUDE, I live here!
Sorceress: So do you know a guy?
Bard: Do you know the muffin man?
Wizard: The muffin man?
Sorceress: THE MUFFIN MAN.

DM: The guard seems surprised.
Rogue: He’s probably not surprised to see you
DM: You do have kind of a reputation.
Rogue: And you’re causing trouble.
DM: Yeah, he’s surprised to see you in Enkilian, not surprised that you’re causing trouble.

Wizard: Are we all going to rescue her? I did just meet y’all an hour ago.
Cleric: Considering the situation, I think I’m obliged to.
Summoner: I don’t have anything better to do, so why not?

Wizard: We’re in the city of magic. We go to a magic shop. They’re on the corner here. Like a Target.
Rogue: I probably fence stuff there.

Bard: This is like any home improvement project. I have to go back to the store six times.
DM: That’s okay, the magic Target is just on the corner.

DM: He’s asking 3,000gp.
Sorceress: Can I roll to appraise that? I got a 37.
DM: You’re pretty sure he’s offering it for approximately twice its value.
Wizard: What a dick.

Summoner: do I know the guy Rogue knows?
DM: you’re not the kind of person who knows the people Rogue knows.

Wizard: Summoner, can you get us some horses?
Summoner: I have overland flight!
Wizard: … and the rest of us?

At which point the party mounts up on summoned Phantom Steeds, which do not actually run on the ground, and buzzes a party of startled Elves of the Night, Ghost Riders in the Sky style.

Rogue: 100 ft/sec. is about 70 miles per hour.
Summoner: So these are some bitchin’ horses.
DM: And you can ride for 12 hours before they desummon.

DM: Actually, the horse figurines (from the last campaign) are a custom item I designed because I got tired of you guys spending 5 hours buying horses and then they’d get eaten at the end of the next game.

DM: How are you doing sleeping?
Sorceress: We’re all sleeping together in a pile.
Rogue: Like cats.
Summoner: No, we’re not, I just met you guys.
Wizard: Sorceress is really hot?
Summoner: So am I, and I don’t care.

Cleric: Remember, Sorceress has tremor boots.
Rogue: Tremor boobs?
Sorceress: I don’t think Rogue can fit in them
DM: They expand to fit anyone.
Rogue: I didn’t realize boobs were detachable.

Summoner: I can summon a fiendish elephant!
Cleric: Where. Where in this 20 ft hemisphere with 6 people in it are you going to put a fiendish elephant?

Summoner: I need something that’s size huge.
DM: Here *tosses large die*
Summoner: That’s still only size large.
DM: So grab a piece of broccoli
Summoner: No, that’s weird. *procures giant rat nutcracker instead*

*ding dong*
Wizard: Sorceress, is that your phone?
Sorceress: yeah!
Summoner: Is that your /doorbell/?
Sorceress: yeah. I can see my door, it’s probably a delivery for my roommates.
Sorceress: Yeah, they ordered papa john’s pizza
Everyone: *watches the delivery guy, fascinated*

Summoner: I cast another wasp swarm on the dragon.
DM: What’s the range on that?
Summoner: 880 feet.
Bard: HOLY SHIT!

DM: Or you can ask teleporting genius here to go into town and get you a scroll of treasure map.
Bard: Do you have enough teleports for that?
Sorceress: Fuck yeah!
Bard: LET’S GO.
Summoner: And Target is open late for your convenience!

Bookstore Bingo

*crossposted from Seven Deadly Divas*

The phone rings. I answer it (within the first two rings, of course).

“Hello, this is <Bookstore Name> in <Location>, Anna speaking, how may I help you?”

*****

“Hi, do you sell books?”
No, the whole “Bookstore” part of our name is a joke, we really sell sticky widgets.

*****

“Hi, do you have a book?”
Nope, we’re fresh out.

*****

“Hi, I’m looking for frerkhtngrmwth.”
“Could you repeat that? I didn’t hear you clearly.”
“I’m looking for frerkhtngrmwth, by Thrrlblwrt K Hamthripth. You know, her new book.”
“Um… let me put you on hold just a moment and I’ll check.”
<checks new releases section for books with titles that sound like frerkhtngrmwth.>
“I’m sorry ma’am, I don’t seem to have any copies of frerkhtngrmwth right now.”
“Oh alright. I’ll try online.”

*****

“Hi, I was wondering if you had <Obscure Book Title>”
“Give me just a moment and I’ll check the shelf.”
<checks shelf>
“I’m sorry, sir, we don’t have a copy of Obscure Book Title right now.”
“Why not?”
“Well, we’re a used bookstore, so our inventory is really unpredictable.”
“But I checked your online inventory and it says you have it.”
“…. We actually don’t have an in-store or online inventory. Are you sure?”
“Well, I looked it up on Amazon Dot Com, and it says you have the book!”

*****

“Hi, I’m looking fer books on Yew-Bun-Tew Lye-Nucks. It’s a computerin’ book.”
“Just a moment and I’ll check the shelf for you. … I’m sorry, right now all we have are Red Hat books and some generic Linux books.”
“Naw, I don’t need them Red Hat things. I need a Yew-Bun-Tew book. Thankya though.”
<I actually had an extended conversation with this gentleman, and he knew exactly what he was talking about. But I had to try REALLY hard not to giggle.>

*****

“Hi, I need a copy of Sandy Backerack for my kid.”
“uhh… do you know what kind of book it is?”
“He says it’s a play.”
“Well, I can’t find a record of any book with that title, are you sure that’s it?”
“Yeah, that’s what he said.”
“You’re sure it’s not Pygmalion? That book is on a lot of reading lists right now.”
“Yes I’m sure. It’s called Sandy Backerack and it’s about a guy with a really big nose.”
“You mean Cyrano de Bergerac?”
“Yeah, that one.”

*****

… to be continued …

Ok, who taught the Muppets how to use Youtube?

Oh – and Statler and Waldorf (the two heckling old guys) have their own account too.  They’re home.

Many thanks to Adam for showing this to me.  I’ve not laughed so hard in a long time.