Product Review: Shapermint Shaper Shorts

Okay – so the ads are ALL OVER THE GODS DAMNED INTERNET. And I had a fancy party for New Years. So I bought a pair of the Shapermint High-Waisted Shaper Shorts to see how I liked them.

For reference, I am a fat woman. I am 5’6″ tall, and weigh about 210lbs. I wear a size 18 in most clothing, or a 2X, but of course we know sizes are bullshit so sometimes that’s wrong.

I took my measurements, and ordered a size XL-XXL, which is the first thing you should always do when you’re ordering shapewear. Do not be a dingus and order a smaller size, thinking it will make you slimmer. It will just cut off circulation to your legs and you’ll get deep vein thrombosis. Also swollen ankles aren’t stylish.

Anyway, I helpfully ordered my correct size in “tan” (which is darker than my skin color, I am so very very white), and waited for them to arrive. Reader, I was VERY dubious about this. Because shapewear the last time I wore it was at my wedding (in 2007), and it was SHITTY and rolled down and didn’t fit and I was a skinny-minnie anyway and only weighed about 145 pounds so I really didn’t need it.

ANYWAY.

It arrived, and I put it on, and I was pleasantly surprised! It came all the way up to my bra-band, and the legs were around mid-thigh. It stretched comfortably, and felt snug. It did not appear to be cutting off circulation to my legs. It was – dare I say it – comfortable.

So I put on a dress, admired my shapelier figure in the mirror and set about wearing it for the rest of the day. I was comfortable. I worked at my desk. It improved my posture because it was slightly constricting, but it did not roll down, the legs did not roll up, and altogether I was feeling very happy about my purchase.

And then I burped.

I burped FIRE and DEATH.

You see, dear readers, I have acid reflux. I take Pepcid for it, twice a day, and on your average day I have zero problems with it. I can even eat hot peppers on my pizza and so long as I take my little pill twice a day I am fine.

Except, apparently, if my guts are all squished in, making my silhouette much more svelte but my stomach considerably constricted.

I took it off – pleasantly surprised to see only the lightest of elastic marks on my skin – and ate half a box of Pepto Bismol. The reflux did not calm down until after I’d taken three doses of Pepto, my evening dose of Pepcid, and drank a bunch of water.

So this is my review:

If you want well-made, well-constructed, comfortable shapewear that does exactly what it says it does in the advertisements, I cannot recommend the Shaper Shorts highly enough. Unless your stomach is made of FIERY DEATH. In which case, they’re pretty good still, but I wouldn’t wear them for more than an evening out.

**Note: I did wear them to the New Years party, for about 3 hours total. At that party I delicately sipped seltzer with lime, sat precariously on a bar stool, did not slouch, and was fine. But I think I would have had a better time if I’d been jigglier but able to have a couple of mojitos.

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